Warning: The walkscotland.com Humour pages contains some adult language and references of a sexual nature. Also, the jokes are not very funny.

Joke An old Canadian gentleman on his way to a walking holiday in the French Alps, arrives in Paris by plane.

At French customs he fumbles for his passport.
"You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.
The old gent admitted that he had been to France before.
"Then, you should know enough to have your passport ready for inspection," snapped the irate official.
The Canadian said, "The last time I came to France I did not have to show my passport."
"Impossible old man!" the official replied. "You Canadians always have to show your passports on arrival in France!"
The old Canadian gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then calmly stated: "I assure you, young man, that when I came ashore on Juno Beach in Normandy on D-Day in 1944, there were no bloody Frenchmen anywhere on that beach."

World's funniest joke 2002 Two stalkers are walking across a remote moor in the West Highlands when one suddenly cries out and falls to the ground.

He doesn't appear to be breathing and his eyes are rolled back in his head, so his friend panics and calls 999 on his mobile telephone.
''My friend is dead!'' he cries. ''What can I do?''
The operator, speaking in a soothing voice, tries to calm him down. ''Just take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead.''
The line goes silent for a moment and there's a loud bang before the man comes back on the line. ''Okay,'' he says breathlessly, ''Now what?''

World's funniest joke 2001 Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson decide to go camping in the hills.

As they lie down for the night, the great detective says, ''Watson, look up into the darkness and tell me what you see...''
''Why, I can see millions of stars,'' Watson replies.
''And what does that tell you?'' Holmes inquires, with a long draw on his pipe.
''Many things, my dear Holmes,'' comes the reply.
''Astronomically, it tells me that there are billions of galaxies in the cosmos.
''Theologically, it tells me that God is truly great and that we are nothing but insignificant beings.
''Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a good chance of a beautiful day tomorrow.
''But I doubt that any of these opinions match the powers of your deduction,'' continues Watson, ''What, pray, does it tell you?''
Holmes gives a sideways glance at his friend and replies, ''My dear Watson, somebody's nicked the bloody tent.''

Medical fact A genuine article from the Journal of the Royal Society of Medicine's website, entitled 'The danger of wearing an anorak', compiled by Chui M.G. Cheung MRCOphth, Omar M. Durrani FRCS(Glas), Ming S. Lim MB BS, Mahesh Ramchandani FRCS(Ed), Somnath Banerjee FRCS(Ed) and Philip I. Murray PhD FRCOphth at the Birmingham and Midland Eye Centre:

Campaigns to reduce road traffic accidents have paid little attention to the way headgear could interfere with vision. Binocular visual field measurement was undertaken in six healthy volunteers wearing four different types of anorak.
All four anoraks greatly reduced the horizontal and superior field of vision. The anorak producing the worst reduction resulted in a width of vision of 99 and only 15 of vision above eye level, versus 167 and 52 respectively without an anorak.
Conclusion: Anorak wearers should turn their heads to look sideways before crossing the road.
(Apologies to The Angry Corrie who spotted this first).

Joke A group of friends went out rambling one day and decided to pair off in twos for the afternoon.

That evening one of them returned alone, staggering under the weight of a heavy rucksack.
"Where's Fred?" the other ramblers ask.
Fred's partner, Brian, replied, "Fred must have had a heart attack. He just keeled over and died a couple of miles back up the path."
The other ramblers gasped and then one of them asked, "You left Fred laying out there and carried the rucksack back?"
"It was a difficult decision," nodded Brian. "But I thought that nobody would steal Fred."

Toilet humour Our Going in the Great Outdoors feature prompted Andy Crawford, of Fife, to email this wonderfully convenient convenience which doubtless brought blessed relief to his party on their round of Creag Pitridh, Geal Charn and Beinn a' Chlachair, back in August 2001.

He explains, ''As we approached the south-east end of Lochan na Earba on our walk-in, we found not one, but two blue and yellow portaloos sited in a perfectly manicured area of scrub! Imagine our relief when we found the doors unlocked and the pristine interiors just crying out to be christened. My grandson did have one minor complaint, however - there was no loo paper in either of them!"

Joke Jack and Bob decide to go hill-walking one weekend.

They load up Jack's minivan and head north. After driving for a few hours, they get caught in a terrible blizzard. They pull into a nearby farm and ask the attractive lady who answers the door if they can spend the night there.
"I realise its terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explains. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house."
"Don't worry," Jack replied. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light."
The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared and, as promised, they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of walking in the hills.
Some nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from a lawyer. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was about the attractive widow they had met on the winter walking weekend.
He phoned his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our walking weekend in Scotland?"
"Yes, I do."
"Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"
"Yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did."
"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her yours?"
There was silence on the line for a moment or two then Bob said, "Yeah, sorry pal. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"
"She just died and left me everything!"

Joke A man goes into a pub in the highlands and orders a pint.

He sees a group of six or seven standing at the bar having a good laugh together and another chap sitting in the corner on his own. He goes over and sits besides the man in the corner.
"Are you not a local then?" he asks the man.
"Oh yes," he replies. "We are all members of the local mountain rescue team, but they don't speak to me anymore."
"Why is that?" asks the man.
"Well it was different this time last year when I single handedly rescued a group of four up on the ridge. Every body was buying me drinks, I was Tam the hero then. Or earlier this year when I pulled a dog from the river when it was in full spate, I was Tam the animal lover then."
"What happened after that?" asked the man.
"Well you shag one sheep..."
Alan Methven

Joke There was a Scotsman, An English Man and an American all standing on the top of Ben Nevis gazing down into Five Finger Gully.

The American turned to the other two and said, "I'm going to jump off, bounce at the bottom and come all of the way back up to the top and land safely. All it takes is the belief that you can do it and you will do it." He then jumped off, bounced, and came back up to the top where he landed safely.
"There," he said, "I told you it could be done."
He then turned to the English man and encouraged him to try it. After a bit of persuasion the English man stood on the edge, told himself that if the American could do it so could he and then he jumped and
when he hit the bottom he went splat!
The Scotsman then turned to the American and said, "You're some guy when you've been drinking, Superman."

Joke Geordie had been in the computer business for 25 years and was finally sick of the pressure and stress, so he quit his job, packed his rucksack and took to off for the hills - as far from humanity as possible.

Once a week, or so, he made his way into the nearest Highland village store and topped up on groceries - otherwise he lived in total peace and tranquility.
After three months or so of almost total isolation, he was lying in his sleeping bag one evening in a remote bothy reading by the light of a candle when the door burst opened and a big, beardie strode in.
"Names Wullie ... I've walked in frae the bothy four miles ower the ridge. Having a party Saturday... thought you'd maybe like to come."
"Great," says Geordie, "After three months of this I think I'm ready to meet some folks again. Thanks."
As Wullie was leaving he stopped, "Got tae warn you though, there's goin' tae be some drinkin'."
"That'll no be a problem, after 25 years in the computer business, I can drink with the best o' them."
Again, as he started to leave Wullie stopped. "Mair than' likely there'll be some fechtin' tae."
Damn, Geordie thought, a tough crowd. "Well, I get along a' right wi' maist folk. I'll be there. Thanks again."
Once again Wullie turned from the door. "I've seen some wild sex at thon parties, tae!"
"Now that's definitely not a problem," says Geordie. "Remember I've been on ma ane for three months! I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?''
Wullie stopped in the door again, turned and said, "Whatever you want, there's just goin' tae be the twa o' us!

Joke A motorist touring the Highlands of Scotland has a puncture and is in the process of changing the wheel when a local happens by and tells him that he can get his tyre fixed in the next village by Mr McIntyre.

Oh! that's good news," replied the motorist, "Where do I find this Mr McIntyre?"
"You cannae miss 'im," replies the local, "Last hoose on the left in the village, name's on t'gate."
After duly thanking the local the motorist sets of and presently comes into the next village and driving through searches the houses on the left for the name 'McIntyre'. Soon he comes to the last house on the left
but the name is there as bold as you like 'Dunlop'.
"There must be some mistake," thinks the motorist and turns round and pops into the village store where he retells his story to the assistant behind the counter.
"Och!! Don't you know? Dunlop's bin McIntyres for years!!!''
Mick Hartley

Notice in a field The farmer allows walkers to cross the field for free, but the bull charges.

Archie Martin

Joke One day, three men were out hiking in a remote area of the Highlands and came upon a violent, raging river. They had to get to the other side, but had no idea how to do so safely.

Being a very devout person, the first man dropped to his knees and prayed, saying, "Please God, give me the strength to cross this river." In a blinding flash of light, God gave him big, strong arms and legs and he
was able to swim across the river - almost drowning a couple of times on the way.
Seeing this, the second man thought he'd do something similar, saying, "Please God, give me the strength . and the tools to cross this river." In a second blinding flash of light, God gave him big, strong arms and legs. and a rowing boat, so he too was able to cross the river - almost capsizing the boat a couple of times on the way over.
The third man was amazed at how this had worked for his pals and he also prayed saying, "Please God, give me the strength and the tools . and the intelligence to cross this river."
In a third blinding flash of light, God turned him into a woman! She looked at her map, hiked a couple of hundred yards upstream and walked across the bridge!
Andy Crawford

Lovely photo A little something to send you up the wall

It's not often you see lovely ladies climbing towering rock faces in just their pants, especially in the rather intemperate climes of Scotland. But somehow those wonderfully creative people at the Sunday Herald Magazine managed to capture just such an image - a blond chick wedged up a tight crack, as it were. Here's hoping that this apparent new sport of lingerie-clad ledge-hopping takes off. There's no indication, however, where the leggy young thing might keep her chalk... Which leads nicely onto...

True story Nice beaver

The following allegedly true story is culled from Mountain Works November 2001 newsletter. The firm distributes Marmot outdoor gear and awarded its 'Golden Marmot Award' to the shop assistant who apparently had this conversation with a customer (it's not known whether the customer picked up on the double entendre, or not).
Customer: I don't like Marmot gear.
Shop assistant: What's wrong with it?
Customer: I don't rate anything named after a rodent.
Shop assistant: Well, I respect the beaver.

Joke Two hillwalkers were making a waterborne approach by kayak to climb a well known mountain when they felt a bit chilly.

They lit a fire in the kayak - but it sank! Which just proves once again... ''that you can't have your kayak and heat it too!"
Andy Crawford

True story Foreigner shits on walker

This happened to me in October 2000. I was getting my boots on with a view to climbing three Monadhliath Munros when a Land Rover pulled up beside my car. As soon as I saw the vehicle it dawned on me that there must be stalking going on, but the red flag at the Newtonmore end of the track had not been put on display. However, the window was lowered and a foreign gentleman, possibly Spanish, said: "You go walk?"
"Yes," I replied, "I'm going up there.''
He then said: "No go. No walk. We are shitting today."
I was sniggering all the way down to Drumochter where there was no shitting going on.
Alan Methven

True story Drunk sheep

he introduction of sheep on to Culloden Moor recently turned up unexpected results for the staff of the National Trust For Scotland. The sheep were brought in an attempt to control the unwanted scrub and very rapidly the creatures were seen to be staggering about as if ill, causing concern for the staff who quickly called in experts. The sheep had taken a particular likeness to the gorse plants which, once eaten, were fermenting in their stomachs - effectively making them drunk. The "problem" (the sheep might disagree with that term) has now retreated as the sheep have been too efficient and cleared all the vegetation.

True story Sheep slaughters man

The next time you wander through a field of these docile beasts, stop and spare a thought for Mr Waheeb Hamouda!
A sheep being raised for sacrificial slaughter turned the tables on its owner when it rammed him off the top of a three storey building. Hamouda (60), a retired police constable, sustained severe injuries and later died in hospital in the Egyptian port of Alexandria. He had penned the sheep on the flat roof of his block of flats, police said. He was feeding the animal when it charged at him and butted him over the edge of the building. Neighbours found Hamouda on the ground bleeding with broken arms and legs. They rushed him to hospital but he died soon after. Hapless Hamouda had bought the animal a month ago and had been fattening it up for the Muslim feast of sacrifice - Eid al-Adha - in early March. Eid al-Adha, the most important feast in the Islamic calendar, marks Abraham's sacrifice of a lamb instead of his son. Livestock is often kept on roofs or in cellars in Egyptian cities before feasts.

True story Yet more sheep...

When CalMac, the ferry company in the Western Isles, charged reduced rates for vehicles transporting sheep, some customers took advantage of this and took a sheep in the back seat of their car when going to the mainland (and had the same sheep on the way back). Eventually, the company had to change the rules.

Joke A group of Boy Scouts went camping in the West Highlands.

As the sun went down on the first day, the midges appeared, biting and tickling despite everything the lads could do to stop them. Then, as it grew darker, some glow-worms appeared. "It's not fair!" shouted a harassed Scout. "They've got searchlight support."

Joke Why did the Irish Munro-bagging expedition fail?

They couldn't find bags big enough.

Joke The laird is walking through his estate when he finds a young woman lying naked in the heather.

''Are you game?'' he asks the babe.
''Yes'' she replies.
So he shoots her.

Joke A group of tourists are out driving in Scotland and find themselves on the outskirts of a built-up area.

They stop and ask a boy the name of the town. "I'll tell you if you give me twenty pence," replies the youth.
"Drive on!" said the tourist. "This must be Aberdeen!"

Joke A vicar is out climbing on a remote mountain when disaster strikes.

He falls off a ledge breaking both his legs in the process. Being a clean living and devout man of the cloth he is sure that God will come to his rescue. An hour passes and local shepherd happens upon the prostrate priest.
''Oh dear,'' says the shepherd, ''Don't worry, I'll have you out of here in no time.''
''No, it's ok, I have put my faith in the Lord and he will be my saviour,'' says the vicar.
So the shepherd leaves and two hours later a mountain rescue team finds the injured man.
''You're safe now,'' says the team leader.
''Thank you but no,'' replies the vicar, ''God will save me.''
Another few hours go by and the peace is shattered by a search and rescue helicopter overhead.
''Cripes,'' says the winchman, ''You're in a jolly state but we'll get you out of here.''
Again the vicar refuses, ''I've told the others that God is my saviour and my faith is unquestionable. Please leave.''
Eventually the vicar succumbs to his injuries and dies on the mountainside.
He is met by St Peter at the Pearly Gates and the disappointed clergyman asks, ''Why didn't God spare me?''
''Flippin' heck, mate,'' replies the angel, ''He sent a shepherd, a search party and a helicopter...what more did you want?''

Joke A walker exploring the delights of the Isle of Mull lost his way in the mist and wandered around aimlessly for three days.

At last, the mist rose slightly and he saw a man in the distance. "Help" he cried and stumbled towards the man who waited for him to reach him.
"Whit's the matter" said the local man.
"I'm lost and I've been wandering around for three days" replied the hiker.
"Is there a reward out for ye, dae ye think?" asked the local.
The walker said he didn't think there would be.
"In that case, you're still lost" said the local and disappeared into the mist.

Joke A Scot, a Swede and a Norwegian out walking in the West Highlands are being eaten alive by midges.

"You may think that this is bad" said the Scot, "But sometimes they are so dense they completely obscure your car windscreen."
Not to be outdone, the Swede replies: "In Sweden the mosquitoes are so big that our low-flying fighter aircraft have grilles over their air-intakes to prevent them from being clogged by the insects."
Determined to keep up his national pride, the Norwegian thinks for a few seconds then responds: "Ah, but in arctic Norway the mosquitoes are so big that they have grilles over their air intakes to prevent them from being clogged by low-flying aircraft."

Joke What comes after two straight days of rain in Fort William?

Monday morning.

Joke How do the locals predict the weather in Fort William?

If you can see Ben Nevis it's going to rain. If you can't see Ben Nevis, it's raining.

Joke It only rains twice a year in Fort William

October to May and June to September.